• Mathura Hawley

truth


But I have also learned to tell the truth, mostly by practice. It is a tough one, this truth, because your feelings tend to skew it someplace else it should not go, but when truth comes from courage it breaks down walls, turns on lights, and literally propels you forward in ways I would have never believed. "

The last two years have been a rollercoaster that mostly goes upside down. You do not know when those times in your life will come, and that is how it works. It can come when you are happiest and letting go, making what happens like a loud noise crashing near you, it can come in with a breeze of discontent, when you suspect something wicked your way comes, or it can be another crappy thing that you had prayed would not happen until it does. I have had all three of these in a very short time, and more. I have been betrayed and deserted, landed ill in the hospital, and had my job eliminated. I have also made some new friends, been able to discover my own identity again, and even had a brush with love. The thing is, that is a lot for a short period of time, and a lot to handle when you begin with one of those “thrust into something you did not expect” shit storms. I have had to do it all with one foot on the ground and the other fluttering furiously trying to find it. I did things I normally would not do and I have hurt myself and probably a few other people along the way. I helped some people along the path, too. I am a better, calmer friend when I need to be. I judge less all the time, and I am still working on it, every damned day. But I have also learned to tell the truth, mostly by practice. It is a tough one, this truth, because your feelings tend to skew it someplace else it should not go, but when truth comes from courage it breaks down walls, turns on lights, and literally propels you forward in ways I would have never believed. Most people do not like the truth. It scares them and makes them angry. I have been yelled at a couple of times by people who are terrified of it. I yelled back against my better judgment. But that is ok too. Because trying to be perfect is the worst thing you could ever aspire to be. It will squash your spirit like a bug, keep you from feeling the passion of your emotional, sexual and spiritual being and, frankly, make you boring as hell. These are all things I have learned from so many storms that have come one after the other. There are days when I cry so much over it all you would think I have given up. But they are just tears. If I am sad, I cry. If I feel lonely, I cry harder. Then I put the leash on Luke, we open the door, and out we go. Because today is its own adventure. Happy, sad, lonely, laughing - at the very least, I am alive.


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