• Mathura Hawley

spirit

Updated: Aug 2, 2021


Some spirits are driven by the things they have been left out of. Some are driven by the things they imagine but cannot have. Some are driven by the hope that what has been shown to them is not the only answer. "

You would think that the dramatic loss of a love will make the loss of the next love more bearable. It does not. You would think the recognition of serious abuse to your child soul would make understanding its affects easier to control and forgive. It does not. You would think the people who are taken from you would make it easier to let anyone else in your life go. It does not. You would think experiencing so many different ways of living, thinking and seeing would make you a chameleon who wouldn’t desire any other way. It does not. You would think that meeting a human being that can desire you above all others would remind you of your unique beauty or spirit. It does not. You would think that knowing you were one of billions of the same creature walking around shows we are truly nothing special. It does not. Our individual human spirit is driven by many things. Some spirits are driven by the things they have been left out of. Some are driven by the things they imagine but cannot have. Some are driven by the hope that what has been shown to them is not the only answer. Some are just survivors, even if they aren’t that good at it. And there is a handful of us, the wounded who are all of the above, that need to be five steps ahead of ourselves to have even the slightest chance at a life that other people take for granted, who don’t know who to trust, who feel alone on their brightest day, who carry their pain in a large, heavy, silent sack of misunderstanding, who see everything clearly except their own pain. It makes us sick. It makes us blind. It makes us feel strong enough but never good enough. It seeps through our skin, into our blood and out through our tears. It is the reason we try harder, give up easier, and sometimes seem to just stop caring. Because of our past, it is impossible for us to see our future. It is who we are, and there never seems to be anything coming but more.


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