• Mathura Hawley

signs

Updated: Aug 2, 2021


I changed the music in my headphones to Kirtan, put my hands to the sky, took a deep breath, screamed “Go!” and pushed off. "

I ran for the first time in almost a year this morning because I had come to accept that I no longer could. In the dark, on the road that mediates between the waves of the Pacific and the rocky cliffs of Catalina Island, I realized I was afraid. Afraid that it had been so long since I last ran that my legs wouldn’t lift me, that the pain in my left foot I have felt for a year would cripple on impact. That I would fail. I stopped, saw the moon above me and took a deep breath. I had beaten the odds of my assumed limitations before, put there by many others who had convinced me so easily. In times of confusion, when some fight forward, my instinct is to step back, and I never understood that so clearly as in this moment. So here, now, in the dark under the moon and cheered by the waves, I helped out a defeated little boy. I changed the music in my headphones to Kirtan, put my hands to the sky, took a deep breath, screamed “Go!” and pushed off. I ran, at first slowly then faster and faster. I stopped abruptly, surprised by the distance quickly behind me. My legs had been there all along, waiting for my spirit to catch up. Again, I took off, singing as loudly as I could into the surf. “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare,” I sang, almost yelling. At the turn of the road, before the pavement went up the hill, there was a street sign. “One Way,” it said, pointing up. I laughed. “Yes, it is,” I thought, and leaped forward, making it to the first lookout at the turn of the road just as the light of the horizon began to blaze orange. The sun burned a hole in the edge of the sky, pushing its round yellow head up through the wavy line of the ocean. I thought I had never seen anything so beautiful, and my eyes cried as I recorded the entire sunrise to send to Om. I had been doubting everything about my life this past week, and had lost my way. I had forgotten that every road is uphill. That pushing forward allows you to witness the miraculous birth of a new day. That everything you need is already there. That every single sign you see is written especially for you.



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