• Mathura Hawley

shadows

Updated: Aug 2, 2021


I walk each day in the shadows of all of those things now. And I am slowly accepting that this is what they are: shadows."

Two years ago today, I was planning a summer birthday trip to New Vrindaban with my fiancé and confirming the final details of our August wedding. I loved this man, I loved my work and I loved the people around me like family. It was where I had wished to be my entire life, the almost exact situation I thought not possible, where my life felt full and I felt a part of it in every way. Alive. I walk each day in the shadows of all of those things now. And I am slowly accepting that this is what they are: shadows. I feel their pain as if they are real when in fact they are not. But when you walk amongst shadows and they surround you everywhere you are, you forget that. They speak to, spook and surprise you at every turn in ways that are deeply painful because you once shared the rays of light that ultimately created this darker reflection. Of course it is painful. Of course it is frightening. It is not only a reminder of what once was but a madhouse of noise, confusion and the abandonment you feel from mourning. It is like leaving a funeral…you know that once you walk out the door past the guest book all you will have left is a list of names. So you linger, just a little, wanting to remember for a few more minutes. Eventually, we all have to walk on, relying on faith that the voices will stop, the shadows will disappear and the sun will shine.


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