• Mathura Hawley

secret

Updated: Aug 2, 2021


Nobody needs to know that I was so ashamed of having glasses as a chubby kid that I took them apart and secretly held one lens up to my right eye to see the chalkboard for two years."

Nobody needs to know that as a child, I had so many dreams about a hidden room full of toys in the back of Philadelphia Sales department store that each time I actually shopped there with my mom I would sneak to the back corner to see if it was real. Nobody needs to know that sometimes on the subway I look through the pictures of my wedding to Om and I cry, then pretend I have allergies. Nobody needs to know that leaving the inflatable animals floating in our family pool during thunderstorms made me sad and I would watch them out the window to make sure they were OK. Nobody needs to know that I have Leslie Uggams on my iphone playlist. Nobody needs to know that I was so ashamed of having glasses as a chubby kid that I took them apart and secretly held one lens up to my right eye to see the chalkboard for two years. Nobody needs to know that losing Luke scares me more than being diagnosed with cancer. Nobody needs to know that every day before I get dressed I have to take a long, deep breath because the memory of being overweight is still such a part of me. Nobody needs to know that the best dream I ever had was the one where I realized that “Jeannie” was real and lived in a bottle in my house. Nobody needs to know that now, in my dreams, my parents are young and healthy, I’m not afraid of anything, and when I need to get somewhere, I take a running start and fly.


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