• Mathura Hawley

music


There is a dream where I am with a group of people and we are singing. And I am singing. And the dream has space, and takes its time, and it seems to go on for longer than it should. "

Day after day I try to wake up. My dreams wrap tighter and pull me back down and my legs ache. Sometimes my hands are numb from being asleep so long curled inside my chest. Drawn back into my dreams, I begin to reenact the same motions and script as before I awoke except the scene changes and I am often on the verge of a terribly dangerous moment where things are about to become violent. I cannot escape and I lose awareness that I am not awake. The violence that happens makes my heart race and opens my eyes and I transfer the fear to uncontrollable tears, which Luke then comforts with the push of his body or his face suddenly in mine. This happens over and over until finally he demands we get up, saving me. I dream of my wedding to Om, except he is not in it. I dream I am about to swim, the water either blue or black or quickly changing from one to the other. I dream I am at the cabin with M, and I feel happy and I see his face so clearly until I try to touch it, and then he disappears but I still hear his voice. I dream I am laughing with my childhood friends and sometimes my Dad. I wake up crying every single time from these dreams. Except one. There is a dream where I am with a group of people and we are singing. And I am singing. And the dream has space, and takes its time, and it seems to go on for longer than it should. And I hear myself, and the beautiful music I am making with others, and I am aware of how it feels, and it feels like color. And it fills me, and I am sure of myself and who I am with and what I am doing. It is confidence and hope, and it fulfills something that when I am awake I no longer feel. And it is the only dream from which I can awaken and stand up and begin my day. So I pray for this, as seldom as it comes, or for someone to come into my life and help me carry it out of my dreams and into my day, where I can begin to find a reason, any reason, to go outside and remember the sunlight and hear the music again.


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