• Mathura Hawley


Updated: Aug 2, 2021

I love you, with all my heart. Our heart. Our gigantic, beautiful, bottomless heart. Hare Krishna. Yours, Mathura."

Dear Scott, let’s talk. I have been there to catch your fall, watch your back, and remind you that you are not alone. You have climbed, slid forwards and backwards and fallen on your face. I allowed it, and cheered you on or held you after, whatever it took. You have learned more about yourself in the last six months than the last ten years and not because you wanted to. Yes, you were abused, betrayed and abandoned by your closest love. Each one of those would be enough to mire you in sadness and require time for healing. All together, they might have walked you to the tallest peak of the nearest bridge, and pushed you off. I made sure that didn’t happen. In fact, I helped you to feel grateful along the way for what you have and for who you are, so you could have a break from being angry. I allowed you to date when you were not ready, so you could have some company or be touched and remember you are desirable. I let you cry yourself to sleep, night after night, weeks into months, because you needed to release the pain. But, my friend, as scary as this may sound, it is time to move on. With love in my heart for the wounded little boy that you are and will always be, I am telling you this: enough is enough. Listen to me: 1) All men are not bad…choosing the same one every time is. 2) You are not an unlovable piece of trash…remember a couple of months ago in San Francisco when you let go and attracted the most handsome men you had ever seen? I do. It was awesome. 3) Most men meet for one reason…stop being disappointed when a first date doesn’t feel as intimate as eating ice cream with your husband. That relationship did not start that way either, it is simply what you miss the most. 4) Gym. Work. Repeat…quit thinking about someone who doesn’t want to be with you and start remembering how good it feels to walk home each morning at 6:30 pumped up with your own strength, or how creative you can be at your job when you are excited about it. Wake up tomorrow and make some magic - all day. 5) Write about all of this no matter how much it hurts…people who love you and those who are connected to their emotions will appreciate it. This is for them, too. Honesty is your new intimacy, until you meet someone who deserves to be close to you. Even then, do not give him all you have got…keep a little for yourself and spread some around. It is a gift and you have it, so do not let anyone who gets uncomfortable by intimacy shut you down, even for one second. 6) Stop feeling as though you are alone…you have shared all of this for a reason. People know you better now than at any other time in your life, because you allowed it. Embrace them. 7) Your husband is gone and he is not coming back…but you never went anywhere. You are right here, where you have always been, and you never bailed out on anyone, including yourself. Luke loves you for that, and shows you every evening that you are his hero when you walk through the front door. 8) If you let go of what you had, you will make room for what you need…you are trying to put new things and people into an old box, but it is full, so dump it. 9) Out with the old means letting go of the habits you fall back on, because you do not need them…they did not do much good anyway, and they were created by the old you. 10) Krishna woke you up for a very good reason…his own. Trust him. And he put me here inside of you, before all of this happened, to guide you through this time, to open your heart to a different kind of love, and to make sure you would be okay, even in your darkest hour. He will not allow you to count on any other human being for this need ever again, and you will not have to. It is time, my love, my sweet wounded little boy who has the big phoenix tattoo on his right arm, where I put it two years ago. Touch it. Take a good look at it. You have earned it. Now let Scott go. I am in charge, starting today. I love you, with all my heart. Our heart. Our gigantic, beautiful, bottomless heart. Hare Krishna. Yours, Mathura

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Mathura hosts an LGTBQ+ Podcast featuring guests who've been through some shit 

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