• Mathura Hawley


Updated: Aug 2, 2021

I feel discarded and invisible. It’s cruel. I can’t process both.

There is no one here. It has been like this for weeks. What once was the sound of my home, my family, footsteps down the hallway, the refrigerator opening, now is silence. Photos of us are still up and I can’t take them down. What was one of the toughest but most introspective years to navigate ended on a hillside in Palm Springs when I ask Jonah to marry me. He said no. He changed his mind along the way but hadn’t told me, and I was so blind to it that I planned the proposal for weeks, thinking it would be the confirmation of our year long love, the road to our future, and my poetic gesture to my best friend. He moved out. I am devastated. It has been years since I was able to open up to someone since a very traumatic breakup, and losing Jonah then losing Luke at the same time is too much. I can’t think, I can’t eat, I can’t breathe. I cry constantly sometimes sobbing so loudly I have to shut the door on the neighbors’ side. I can try and think that I understand moments like these, but I don’t. In my heart, both my dog and my partner died in the same week. I know Jonah is there, in the distance, but I don’t know why it all happened at once. I feel discarded and invisible. It’s cruel. I can’t process both. The washer that was on every morning. The coffee we made together in the kitchen. Luke showing up next to the bed with his blue hog toy. Hearing what auditions he had that day. Planning our podcast scripts. Meetings in the hot tub. And picking out the Netflix movie for the evening. We didn’t fight. We laughed a lot. We took trips. And I thought we fell in love. I felt safe. It literally all disappeared over a few days. I’m not sure why I am the guy who gets left behind. Is there something wrong with the way I love? There’s something about me that causes people who once loved me to leave. And to think that I would be ok left back in a life they decided they didn’t want. I walk around the house alone, where I spent a year feeling so surprised that I could ever make a connection so loving again. I don’t know how I’d ever trust another human being to tell me they loved me. I want to be close to no one now, not friends, not men, no one. The entire last year feels like a dream now, and not real. This time I tried. I tried to love, be open and accept love in return. Now I have nothing here in my house to show for the last year except silence. I want my family back .

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