• Mathura Hawley

football

Updated: Aug 2, 2021


“ ...once I am in bed it flows over me like a heavy wave of oil, making its way up over my nervous system and into my head, where fear begins to rule my little body and change my spirit. "

I can no longer fall asleep easily the way I once did. I stop asking my mom to sit on the bed next to me to read or sing me to sleep. I begin to worry about things I was never conscious of. Will I wake up on time tomorrow, will I be asked something in school I will not know, will I be singled out in gym class and fail, what did I say or do wrong the previous day that I didn’t cover or fix, does someone not like me... And there is the growing, confusing cloud of “something is wrong,” that hangs over me undefined every second of my new days, and once I am in bed it flows over me like a heavy wave of oil, making its way up over my nervous system and into my head, where fear begins to rule my little body and change my spirit. For Christmas my parents gave me a NY Giants pillow with a transistor radio inside it, and it’s small and square, the radio so big that I can feel the plastic when I lay my head on it, so I try to position myself on the corner farthest away. It’s awkward, but I can listen to the radio, and I choose AM because people are talking, and I don’t understand what they are saying, but listening to the voices at least distracts and comforts me enough to eventually fall asleep, and I am too young to know that this is how most of the rest of my life will be spent, trying to drown out what has happened to me so I can get through the next day. I am seven.


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