“ I am on the verge of panic but I am afraid if I let go I will never come back. This all happens over the first minute I awaken. "
After every good step I take or when something positive happens to me, that night my sleep is filled with nightmares. They take me back through the innocence of my relationship when I believed I was loved deeply and sincerely. Then, over and over, I relive the exact horrific moment when I understand life has been a lie and I have been betrayed. I wake up feeling like a child who lost his parent at a carnival. Every sound that was magical now echoes loudly and frightens me. Each light that once gave color and life to my surroundings is now a razor sharp flash that burns my eyes and makes everything ugly. The air once invisible now stinks with dust and dampness and I cannot get enough into my lungs. I am on the verge of panic but I am afraid if I let go I will never come back. This all happens over the first minute I awaken. I desperately reach for Luke and hold him, and I am so raw that I feel his sadness too, now left alone most of the day and betrayed in much the same way. He usually pushes back into me in the most loving way and we lie together and he lets me cry into his fur without moving much. When I am done, or he has had enough, we roll over together and one of us gets up, demanding the other follow. It is how we take care of each other. I know more of this is coming. I know this will happen until it no longer does. This process of mourning. This path to healing. This well of pain that time will empty.