• Mathura Hawley

crush

Updated: Aug 2, 2021


My heart opened and my spirit kicked in again, and I loved and romanced him from every angle. I thought that part of me was gone. "

The bartender slides a margarita across the wooden counter to me and I take it and sip off the top. It is salty and not well-made. It is Friday afternoon and I am ending a week that began with a breakup of a two month love affair, then surprised with a promotion to Vice President that pushes my 29 year career to new places, and ends here sitting in the sun outside a gay bar in Portland. This is my life, fresh from this week, my new now. For the last eight weeks, I opened up for the first time in years to someone who could not live up to his own dreams, but that is ok. He is a sweet soul who does not yet understand that there is anyone on the other side of his own experience, and when I would normally be spewing my Scorpio scorn, I forgive him. He reminded me that sex can be intimate. He reminded me that kindness is an acceptable form of communication, and he made me feel handsome. My heart opened and my spirit kicked in again, and I loved and romanced him from every angle. I thought that part of me was gone. But at least I know I am ready, against all odds, to be someone’s partner, even if this guy is not the one. Instead of being devastated, I am accepting it. I am massaging my own heart to get through it, and adding a margarita just for dramatic effect. When I was 28, my mother died, and I spent all my grief at the office at Ralph Lauren, working day and night to keep busy learning everything I could about creative storytelling. Because of that, I have had some big, motherfucking titles and roles I would have thought impossible for the reclusive, anxious chubby kid from upstate New York that I once was. Taking something painful and turning it into a future is a skill that I thank God for every day. And here I am, thinking I had met someone with whom I was so magically synched that my future would be clear. But the future is not decided by the things we think we know. It is decided by what we do not know, and feeling a little lost, alone, and in-over-my-head is the clearest sign that, once again, I am in for the ride of my life. Cheers.


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