• Mathura Hawley

august


And when a relationship ends, especially one where you felt genuine affection and therefore trusted to give it back for the first time ever, that need of loving human touch is taken from you sometimes in an instant."

When you live alone and you are healing from a breakup of someone you were close to there are sights, sounds, smells and dates that can bring you from a moment where you are handing money across the counter to a cashier to a wet burst of tears out of your heart directly into your eyes and down your surprised face. When there is no new other life going on along side your own, or no one so wrapped in yours that it is impossible to tell the difference, there is nothing to stop these rushes of loneliness and emptiness. You become a junkie for intimacy. You find it however you can. Your dog becomes your child. You wander into the night. You obsess over your garden or even spend your free Saturday lying on the grass just because it’s a living thing. Those of us who were isolated as children from abuse or neglect have it even worse because we can’t stop the cravings until they are fulfilled, so we walk right into bad relationships and situations we otherwise would not. All of this goes ‘round and 'round and 'round and 'round. The isolation causes the loneliness which causes the isolation to be much, much worse. And all of this comes from our basic need to be touched. And when a relationship ends, especially one where you felt genuine affection and therefore trusted to give it back for the first time ever, that need of loving human touch is taken from you sometimes in an instant. And it is worse than starvation. And it is worse than a beating. Because that touch has a hundred meanings. Especially to the wounded little kid in some of us. This need to be held. This need to be touched.


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Mathura hosts an LGTBQ+ Podcast featuring guests who've been through some shit 

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