• Mathura Hawley

shit

Updated: Aug 1, 2021


You are that same wounded little boy who would scream “Shit!” and “Fuck!” into a heavy winter coat in the dark corner of your bedroom closet to get out the forbidden emotions that other kids had no reason to express."

Goodnight, love. I know you want to forget some of the hurtful things that have happened to you. You wish the energy of your everyday was more positive. You long to feel connected and you miss the touch of someone you love. Sometimes you want to disappear. It’s ok, babe. You don’t feel well today. And there is no one at your side to take care of you when you feel like this. There will be, but until then, and long after, I have come to watch over you. So, please remember:

Life right now is a moment in time not a judgment on you. You have been hurt terribly and experienced a major trauma. You are not a superman or a therapist. You are a man who has been through a lifetime of pain and it never seems to end. Hang on. It is all a lesson, and remember that it is the journey. Look for the message. Find a new reason to get excited. You are not seeing things as “possible” because you are still in recovery. You will be for awhile. It is not a dead end and it is not a party. It is a transition that takes time. You are figuring out who to be when the world doesn’t care so much about people, and the truth is seen as a troublemaker. You are that same wounded little boy who would scream “Shit!” and “Fuck!” into a heavy winter coat in the dark corner of your bedroom closet to get out the forbidden emotions that other kids had no reason to express. That little boy was traumatized. That is why you isolated yourself and why you took your internal judgments down a dark alley. Now that you have met enough people to know you are not alone, do not go back into that closet. You can scream whatever you want whenever you want because you are in charge of you. Because there is no one on this spinning blue ball that deserves to be here any more or any less than you. It would have been nice to have been taught that, but at least you figured it out. You have had to figure most everything out by yourself. It is your story and your greatest curse and you are turning it into your strongest gift. I am proud of you, and will keep telling you that until all the old demons die off from boredom, and all your shadows becomes light. Just keep going. Cry. Heal. Do what you have to do. And when you need to, open the window and yell it, as loudly as you can: Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Do it for that frightened little boy until we can convince him he will never again have to hide alone in the dark. Because you opened that door, took him by the hand, and pulled him out. You are the one that saved him.


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