• Mathura Hawley

held


No light. No love. No touch. I look back, now, and see the pieces of my broken spirit begging to be acknowledged. "

I woke up in the middle of the night, and realizing that the someone on the pillow next to me was not my husband, ran into my bathroom and sobbed quietly into a towel. I was mourning a death…my husband, my best friend, and my life as I knew it… and in my mourning process, was falling through all the stages of tragic loss. The worst part was knowing that the person I entrusted with my heart began to live as if I did not exist, and the humiliation of that was too much for me to bear. No light. No love. No touch. I look back, now, and see the pieces of my broken spirit begging to be acknowledged. Thank you, Richard, for holding my hand in the hammock and swinging next to me. Thank you, Joe, for sharing your big, beautiful body and strong, gentle hands with me on a blanket under the stars at my cabin, for reminding me how to make love for hours and freeing a part of me that had been locked away for years. Thank you, Jack, for brushing your frat boy leg against mine sweetly and then whispering “You’re so handsome,” as you looked up at me with your puppy dog eyes. Thank you, J, for wrapping your hand around mine as I rubbed your chest and saying “Oh my God, you are sensual.” Thank you, Jesse, for reminding me what it is to be spontaneous, for making out with me in Herald Square and later, telling me I was as “delicious” as the ice cream we shared out of two containers. Thank you, Manny, for staying connected from afar because you can’t wait to kiss me someday and for texting that sentiment to me again even this morning. In this last year, the most difficult of my life, I have learned much about what love is and is not. That I am only truly myself when I give love and receive it. That the depth and beauty of who I am was invisible to the person closest to me. That it was not sex that I wanted during this time, not at all. What I really needed, every single second of every minute of every day, was for someone to wrap their arms tightly around me and allow me to cry my eyes out for the nightmare I have been through. I just wanted to be seen. I just wanted to be held.


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Mathura hosts an LGTBQ+ Podcast featuring guests who've been through some shit 

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