• Mathura Hawley


Updated: Aug 2, 2021

I kept the rings, hoping to eventually meet someone worthy of them, and tried to give one to the second boyfriend, wanting badly to be in a couple that would be serious, even though our open relationship ensured that could never happen. "

Today, around noon, I walked into a deli on 4th Street to buy my friend Mulaka a seltzer. I had just come over from Brooklyn, where I received the approval stamp on the final paperwork that put my name change officially into action. I left with a certified letter and instructions on how to let the world know to document me differently. I stopped at the Bhakti Center to tell Om, then went upstairs to the Temple, where I sat alone at the altar and stared into the eyes of Radha Krishna, crying quietly to myself as I chanted, then said goodbye to Christopher and his 49 years of pain and frustration. Around Krishna’s neck hung a beautiful garland of colored flowers that Om had lovingly created. I opened my heart, humbled with joy, at the feet of the beautiful blue boy, asked for forgiveness for my past, and guidance for my future. I stared into his eyes and I didn’t turn away for a very long time. Something felt more personal now, as if he were looking back, his eyes seeming to sparkle. I saw him, in that moment, as a parent, and hoped he was proud of what I had done this morning. I prayed that he would fill my heart so that I could see myself the way he must see me. I prayed that this might close old doors, and open new windows, letting in the light of a more conscious spirit. An hour later, I put the can of seltzer down at the deli register, and the man behind the counter looked me over, and said… “Mathura.” Excuse me?” I asked. How could he have known to identify me by my brand new name? He pointed to the tattoo on my left arm, Mathura spelled in Sanskrit. “Oh, yes,” I acknowledged. ”Mathura,” he said, “is where my God was born.” I paused, and a wave of warmth and emotion washed through me. I took a deep breath, then felt as if I had swum up from under water and burst into the air. ”Mine, too,” I said, to both of us. I smiled. “Mine, too.”

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Mathura hosts an LGTBQ+ Podcast featuring guests who've been through some shit 

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