• Mathura Hawley

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Updated: Aug 2, 2021


You will never trust anyone completely. You will dream in the shallow end and expect nothing. You will feel a little angry all the time with no one but yourself to turn it on."

I came back for you. I came back to tell you that I see you, and what a beautiful, kind boy you are. You were neither planned nor denied, so you just are. You are the boy that shares his toys without being told. You are the boy that tapes all the coins out of his whale bank to a heart shaped piece of red construction paper for your mom the first time you hear what Valentines Day is. You are the boy who wants to take home every stray animal and who runs out to the pool to bring in the floating ones so they won’t be scared in a thunderstorm. You are the boy with the overbite that doesn’t know what imperfect is so you smile at everyone. You are the boy who sings when he plays with his matchbox cars, and plants flowers for the neighbors so they will be surprised when they look out their window. What you don’t know, cute little boy with the big smile, is not every person is the same, like this neighbor. Not everyone sees the beauty, kindness, and affection in you the same way. They will choose you because of your open heart, your trust and need for the connection of other human beings, your generous spirit and your ability to love. And they will take your sweet soul, twist it into something much darker and fill it with nightmares. You won’t understand what this is at the time, not until you get older. You will not ever have a moment without anxiety. You will never trust anyone completely. You will dream in the shallow end and expect nothing. You will feel a little angry all the time with no one but yourself to turn it on. You will be a living raw emotion that draws others to you but wants to isolate. You will cry, often, usually at kindness and almost never in sadness. I’ve come back to tell you these things now because you’ve already had too many surprises, and maybe this will allow you to appreciate the good ones just a little more. And I wanted to remember your sweetness, and your hope, and your laughter and your kindness for another minute before I go. And I wanted you to have one last innocent hug from someone who has grown to love you. Before you shut off. Before you become me.


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